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Friday, June 11, 2010

Bloggin Hiatus

You know, I don't quite know how to start this post. I have been wrestling around with my thoughts the past several weeks as we laid to rest our own fallen fire-fighter, moved into a new house, heard of other's losses, or friends and family struggling with problems and concerns. It took me awhile to decide what was an appropriate amount of time to keep my last post up...and to pull myself together to decide how I wanted to say what I have been feeling. The pictures above were taken the Friday and Saturday leading up to the evening tragedy that rocked us back to reality that Saturday night. We lost a co-worker and friend, a wife lost her husband, and two beautiful children lost their father. Our fire-fighting family has NEVER experienced anything like this in the history of our department. It came as such a shock, reminding all of us of the dangers and reality of this profession, and that life as we all know it can be cut shorter than we ever anticipate. The days following John's death ran together...the bond that holds us was stronger than ever as we assisted in making plans with the family for the visitation, the funeral, and the gatherings to follow. And on the Friday following I woke up and realized it was over. The week had flown by in a blur, we had all mourned this loss, hugged each and every one of us that we could, cried with each other, drank ALOT of beer, and laughed with each other about the memories we had of him. It was an empty feeling I hadn't felt in a very long time. I was at a strange loss. Wondering how to move forward, how to keep John's memory with us, and how to make sure his family doesn't get left behind as the days continue on. And the hard part was knowing that Amber would wake up with that empty feeling, go through her day with that empty feeling, and fall asleep at night with that empty feeling over and over and over again until maybe one day the pain subsides.

I can't tell you how many friends and family over the years have asked me how I adjust to Matt being a Fire Fighter and the schedule. For me, I have never known anything different. Matt was a fireman from the day we met. The schedule was accepted immediately and it is all we have ever known as a couple. I knew the minute I fell in love with him and things were going somewhere that I was not just gaining a boyfriend/fiance/husband/in-laws/extended family ... I was gaining an entire family of fellow fire-fighters and wives. Men and Women who would be there to protect my husband when he needed it, a group of friends who would share holidays, birthdays, and gatherings with us year in and year out, and an incredible support system that would do anything for us. I made a point of getting to know his crew and their families...mainly for the morbid reason of knowing who would be with him if Shit ever hit the fan on a call.

When I look at these pictures, I am reminded that we need to take the time to be with our families, and with our friends. To share in moments that would otherwise pass us by. I am reminded that I was lucky it was not him. I am reminded that it was someone else. This is the place I was when he passed...enjoying life just as John would have been doing on his day off.

You does go on. As hard as it is to accept sometimes, it does have to go on. I am trying to remember to hug and kiss Matt more often, squeeze and smooch Syd every chance I get, spend more time with family and friends and to try not to worry about the little things that grate on my nerves as a human daily. In the end those things really don't matter, it is those things that seem so stupid later on that consumed us and made us mad or angry. Life can be taken away at anytime, in so many it to its fullest however you see fit...but just live it!